{"id":230021,"date":"2023-12-01T20:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-01T20:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/didu.se\/?p=230021"},"modified":"2023-12-03T20:09:03","modified_gmt":"2023-12-03T20:09:03","slug":"why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/didu.se\/sv\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\/","title":{"rendered":"Why working together on habits is best done shoulds-free"},"content":{"rendered":"

[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.23.1″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

Should you keep your habits and call your accountability buddy on time?<\/p>\n

Yes! Do it.<\/p>\n

Just don’t do it because you\u00a0should.<\/em><\/p>\n

While I\u2019m all for keeping habits impeccably and calling each other on time, I encourage potential buddies and Habitmakers to observe a \u201dno shoulds zone\u201d.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want anyone to feel obligated to keep their habits.<\/p>\n

Not to themselves and not to each other.<\/p>\n

As a buddy, or buddy group facilitator, I\u2019m shoulds-free<\/h3>\n

That’s not because I think it\u2019s a good idea to be sloppy, or that standards don\u2019t count, they do.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s because of two other things.<\/p>\n

Stop press: I’ve just opened enrolment for Best Year Ever ’24. Click here to see<\/a> if it’s a habits-setting, life-affirming adventure for you.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. I want keeping habits to be fun and happiness to be a daily now, not later, thing<\/li>\n
  2. \u00a0It\u2019s simply more effective to enjoy keeping the habits you keep, than suffer for them<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    <\/p>\n

    Pushing a partner, or for that matter someone you\u2019re coaching or mentoring, is like sliding on a persian rug along a parque floor.<\/p>\n

    You can feel like you\u2019re gliding for a while, but then you encounter a small mountain of carpet piled up like a concertina in front of you.<\/p>\n

    \"Habits

    Habits are best kept shoulds-free<\/p><\/div>\n

    Pushing, pressure, shoulds and obligations don\u2019t work because they create resistance. So what kind of accountability is left?<\/p>\n

    Push and the world pushes back<\/h2>\n

    <\/p>\n

    When I started a switch from playing music in bars as a young man to being a journalist, I’ll admit I was pushy about it.<\/p>\n

    I pushed myself. I pushed interviewees. I though I knew how things should be done. My way.<\/p>\n

    And, no suprise, the world pushed back. I observed myself, like a car crash in slow motion, trying to exert my will over the very people who were trying to give me a break. Kind, interested record producers and talented senior BBC radio producers simply held up their hands and walked away.<\/p>\n

    It ain’t bad as long as we learn the lesson. So later, when I was experimenting with buddying and was also now leading a team of journalists, I didn’t want to repeat the mistakes I’d made.<\/p>\n

    I had heard buddy support described as a third force. The impetus that tipped the balance to something getting done.<\/p>\n

    But what were these three forces?<\/p>\n

    The three forces<\/h3>\n

    I researched the law of three, an idea from the mid 20th century and the mystic Gurdjieff.<\/p>\n

    In a simple interpretation, first force is the active. It could be your idea to start a habit.<\/p>\n

    The second is the denying force, for exmaple an inner voice saying “meh, why bother”.<\/p>\n

    It\u2019s the result of these two together that explains why things stay as they are.<\/p>\n

    Why you may go out for a run, but a mile later you\u2019re walking.<\/p>\n

    Why you\u2019d like to be a few kilos lighter, and you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n

    The third or facilitating force, can be a buddy. It’s this that moves things forward, by getting behind our good intention and tipping the balance.<\/p>\n

    But a buddy process can\u2019t actually do that, if it\u2019s pushy. That’s just more of the first force.<\/p>\n

    Isaac Newton tells us what to expect in that case in his second law of motion.<\/p>\n

    The intention will be met by an equal and opposite resisting force.<\/p>\n

    Our solution to this conundrum at Habitmakers is to work on each of the forces individually.<\/p>\n

    First we share the benefits of having a clear, authentic intention, strengthening the active force.<\/p>\n

    Then we’ll share a beautiful and life-affirming practice to let go of the denying force, so keeping habits can become effortless.<\/p>\n

    Finally, there\u2019s support. The third force. The Habitmakers community and all its combined good will, ideas and friendship.<\/p>\n

    Come to it in a spirit of generosity and mutuality and much good willl flow \u2013 including gazillions of kept habits and meaningful change and growth.<\/p>\n

    Like so many things, it turns out the support to keep a habit is something you only have when you give it away.<\/p>\n

    Not by shoulding the change you want, but by being it.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    \u2756\u2756\u2756 MAGIC HABIT \u2756\u2756\u2756 I was meditating, but often late at night. How to get it done early so I would enjoy its benefits for more of the day? The solution: no tea or coffee until I\u2019d meditated (if you\u2019re not a caffeine fanatic, swap it out for your favourite part of breakfast). If I really need flexibility, I can meditate at lunchtime, or later, but then I wait with tea and coffee (that never happens! ha ha).<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Enrolment for Best Year Ever 24 is open now. Visit this sign-up page to learn more<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    <\/span><\/p>\n

    Tim Wright<\/strong> is the founder of Habitmakers\u00ae\u00a0and author of Habits Are Us \u2013 How intentional friendship is the key to the life you want, day after day after day.<\/em> If you\u2019re struggling to find a buddy, visit https:\/\/didu.se\/join-a-programme\/<\/a>. Habitmakers also helps organisations create buddy systems for more engaged hybrid working. Scroll down slightly for a free download.<\/a><\/p>\n

    <\/p>\n

    [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Should you keep your habits and call your accountability buddy on time? Yes! Do it. Just don’t do it because you\u00a0should. While I\u2019m all for keeping habits impeccably and calling each other on time, I encourage potential buddies and Habitmakers to observe a \u201dno shoulds zone\u201d. I don\u2019t want anyone to feel obligated to keep […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":230022,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\n

    Should you keep your habits and call your accountability buddy? No you should<\/em> not!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    That might not sound like a very good starting point for a habits community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    But while I\u2019m all for keeping habits impeccably and calling each other on time, I encourage potential buddies and Habitmakers to observe a \u201dno shoulds zone\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I don\u2019t want anyone to feel obligated to keep their habits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Not to themselves and not to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    As a buddy, or buddy group facilitator, I\u2019m shoulds-free<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    That's not because I think it\u2019s a good idea to be sloppy, or that standards don\u2019t count, they do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s because of two other things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. I\u2019m in all this for the fun (sounds like a guilty secret doesn\u2019t it)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. It\u2019s simply more effective to enjoy habitmaking, than to feel obliged to do it<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Pushing a partner, or for that matter someone you\u2019re coaching or mentoring, is like sliding on a persian rug along a parque floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      You can feel like you\u2019re gliding for a while, but then you encounter a small mountain of carpet piled up like a concertina in front of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Pushing, pressure, shoulds and obligations don\u2019t work because they create resistance. So what kind of accountability is left?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The three forces<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      When I first started running buddy groups in the 1990s I was inspired by the idea of the third force and that a buddy could be a critical source of support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      This conception of three forces comes from the mid 20th century and the mystic Gurdjieff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The first force is the active. The second is the denying force. It\u2019s the result of these two together that explains why things tend to stay as they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Why you may go out for a run, but a mile later you\u2019re walking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Why you\u2019d like to be a few kilos lighter, and you\u2019re not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Why you\u2019ve been meaning to start your own business, but a steady salary and a February bonus just keeps you comfortably showing up for work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      A buddy can be that third force. The facilitating impetus that moves things forward by getting behind our good intention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But a buddy process can\u2019t actually do that, if it\u2019s pushy. Isaac Newton tells us what to expect. The intention will be met by an equal and opposite resisting force. Heck, it\u2019s a law of motion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Our solution at Habitmakers is that buddy support isn\u2019t a push, but a reminder. Done best, we support our buddies at Habitmakers by being a miracle ourselves. By contacting each other on the dot. Doing our own habit with gusto.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Samuel Johnson said, \u201cPeople need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      He might have had Newton in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      As a buddy, I want to remind my partner what they said they wanted, not tell them they should get up earlier and get their running done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Impeccable habits in three steps<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      So my aim at Habitmakers is for it to be a community that strengthens our members\u2019 own intrinsic motivation. Then, when they choose, they can address the second force and learn to let go of the resistance that gets in all our way. We\u2019ve gathered a beautiful practice of mindfully letting go for just this purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Finally, there\u2019s support. The third force. Like so many things, it turns out it\u2019s something you only have when you give it away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Not by shoulding the change you want, but by being it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Here\u2019s this edition\u2019s Magic Habit: Do like James Clear and stack up a habit you want done to a reward you enjoy. I thought this idea trite, until I was looking for a way to get my daily meditation done early so I would enjoy its benefits for more of the day. The solution: no tea or coffee until I\u2019d meditated (if you\u2019re not a caffeine fanatic, swap it out for your favourite part of breakfast).<\/p>\n","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[29],"tags":[33],"class_list":["post-230021","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-buddying","tag-buddying"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy working together on habits is best done shoulds-free - DIDU Habit Makers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We're a shoulds-free zone not to be nice, but because it's the best way to keep habits impeccably with a dance in our step\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/didu.se\/sv\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"sv_SE\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why working together on habits is best done shoulds-free - DIDU Habit Makers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We're a shoulds-free zone not to be nice, but because it's the best way to keep habits impeccably with a dance in our step\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/didu.se\/sv\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"DIDU Habit Makers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Didudoitdaily\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-12-01T20:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-03T20:09:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/media.didu.se\/2023\/11\/DJI_20221216_154617_721-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1440\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"tim@didu.se\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Skriven av\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"tim@didu.se\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Ber\u00e4knad l\u00e4stid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minuter\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":[\"Article\",\"BlogPosting\"],\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"tim@didu.se\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3ac5640f060eb6593f06142846e4d4a6\"},\"headline\":\"Why working together on habits is best done shoulds-free\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-12-01T20:00:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-03T20:09:03+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":979,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/media.didu.se\\\/2023\\\/11\\\/DJI_20221216_154617_721-scaled-e1728894125328.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Buddying\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Buddying\"],\"inLanguage\":\"sv-SE\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/didu.se\\\/why-working-together-on-habits-is-best-done-shoulds-free\\\/\",\"name\":\"Why working together on habits is best done shoulds-free - 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